Thursday, February 22, 2007

If we had a Civil War on Earth-K, at least it wouldn't be this lame.

I think the company-specific proclivities of this site are a little obvious sometimes, but that's why I want to make this clear up front. Civil War, as a whole and issue seven in particular, sucked in a way black holes would envy. This isn't Marvel bashing, its a simple statement of fact. I can believe people enjoyed it up until the end, but now that issue seven is out, anyone who is still claiming they enjoyed it is either one of three things.

1. A Liar. Simple as that.

2. Does not, in fact, actually like comics (you can change comics to super-heroes if you think this is too confrontational).

3. A drooling moron.

You can tell, BTW, that it isn't Marvel bashing because I read SEVERAL Marvel books and so does the Cap'n. In my case, every one of them is a fringe book. She-Hulk is wonderful (although Civil War hasn't helped it), Immortal Iron Fist is the Sensational Comic Book Find of 2007 (I know the first issue came out in '06, but just barely), everyone knows how we feel about Daughters of the Dragon, X-Factor is brilliant, etc. We even still like the Ultimate Universe more often than not (after all, 616 FF has NEVER worked for me, but UFF did even under Ellis' sad handling). Also, while I enjoyed the ride a lot, I will freely tell you that Infinite Crisis doesn't hold together all that well when you're not swept up in the momentum of it. In fact, it really doesn't work at all and is not a fun second read.

All that being said, I don't have the emotional resonance with the MU that I do with the DCU. With that in mind, I can understand and sympathize with the people that were upset about CW (pre issue seven), but I couldn't really get upset with them. I understood the feelings, but objectively, like an anthropologist might understand a tribe's disappointment when their magic rock fails to glow.

Issue 7 changed all that, though. Now I'm upset, not because of the content but because of the total LACK of content. This is what we got excited for? This hollow excuse for a denouement? Again, IC wasn't very good once you got on the back end of it, but at least there really were some status quo changes. Heck, real and true fallout is STILL happening and not just in that boring excuse for a rag called 52. My erudite and good friend Zac says it this way:

Civil War somehow managed to break the fourth wall and show us a world where the government runs superheroes. When the government runs superheroes there will be lots of talking about things and principals, and then some really bland stuff will happen; and nobody will get too worked up or disappointed. Just like every other government program.

I just reread it and it's hard to even form a coherent thought about why I hate this book. It's just so wrong. And I honestly feel that the things that are wrong with this book are in most ways the reasons I don't like Joe Quesada. Lots of wishy-washy flim flammery, empty promises and hollow deliveries of non-ideas, seasoned with the occasional load of crap and unwarranted hype. At this point I would actually like a Clor book.

These are the words of a man betrayed by his love, and her name is the Marvel Universe. That vile temptress.

Here, just for fun, are my honest to goodness, page by page reactions to Civil War #7. The internet could break in thirds.

Page 3. Oh SNAP, Bishop! Take that, 90s!

Page 4. Black Panther = Deus Ex Panther (see: Morrison’s JLA, Batman = Deus Ex Batman)

Oh SNAP, Tony! Spidey is gonna getcha!

Page 5. It must be an Elseworlds story or something…Iron Man is scared of Cloak.

Page 6. Somebody just TRY and tell me Reed isn’t bitch slapping Sue!

Page 8. If any normal humans in the MU didn’t fear supers…they do now.

Page 9. Jokes about Spider-Man’s adjectives. And here I thought this was going to get silly. (side note: we get it, everyone underestimates Spider-Man…JEEZ!)

Page 11. Imperious Rex, indeed! This might be the only part of this whole mess that actually looked cool.

Page 12. Its Clor! And a bunch of nobodies! (yes, I’m aware Captain Marvel is in the picture. I stand by my statement)

Page 13 & 14. Well, Cap cheated…I guess. At least he’ll beat hell out of Iron Man for a while.

Page 15. Ben’s back from Paris! (who cares) Reed isn’t a total douche! (who cares)

Page 16 & 17. I knew Stan Lee, Mr. Millar. And you, sir, are no Stan Lee.

Also, Clor is a ROBOT? I call total bull$#!t! They did brain surgery on him and he BLED! BULL. $#!T.

Page 18. Oh bull$#!t AGAIN! Cap was never going to kill Tony, that’s just crap.

Page 19. Bull$#!t trifecta! The common man LOVES Cap and has for decades.

Page 20-22. What comes after trifecta? Cap CRIES? That’s the big finale? WTF? “We’re just fighting”??? I had no emotional connection to this story until now. My new emotion: revulsion.

Page 23. Even Frank thinks this is bull$#!t.

Hey, whaddya know, Reed is still a prick. “General hero amnesty” my a$$. God, what a mess.

Page 24. A FULL 93 minutes might not be enough crying for everyone who once loved the Marvel Universe.

Also, just what the hell is the Justice League Oklahoma going to do all day? Ugh.

Page 25. How will there be any super battles if the prisons actually hold the super villains? Maybe the fabric of reality HAS been altered somehow.

Page 26. Painful things we did on the way to respectability. Hey, Millar! Pull up your pants, your politics is showing!

Page 27. Well, at least Tony isn’t just a dick to his friends.

Page 28. So that’s what 42 means. Can he GET more sanctimonious?

Page 29. And condescending. I hate this book more than cancer.

That's honestly way more than I meant to say, but I got a little help from my friends AND a play by play of the crap. I don't even have a clever ending.

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