Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Earth K's Statement on Superman Returns

This is a statement from all of us at Earth K and since Blue and Red make Black when you mix fingerpaints, that's the color that will henceforth be the official "speaking for all of Earth K" color.

Superman Returns was good but not great. Unfortunately, the longer we think about it the worse it gets so "good" might be downgraded to "merely adequate" as time goes on. It is likely that we will end up on "meh."

As a love letter to Donner and his films about Superman, this movie succeeds on every level. Unfortunately, those damn Donner films just weren't very good and anyone that says otherwise is viewing the world through nostalgia-tinted glasses.

As a movie actually about the characters of Superman and his supporting cast, the movie fails miserably. The top five reasons are as follows:

1. All kinds of things happen for literally no reason (Superman crashes when he returns to earth, water makes Kryptonian crystals grow, Lex has a chance to create super weapons and give amazing gifts to mankind and make Superman look like an ass, instead he makes inhospitable land. There are plenty more but we're tired of thinking about them).

2. Everyone is horribly miscast with the exception of Perry White and Parker Posey. Before you get excited about Brandon Routh, don't. He wasn't cast to play Clark Kent/Superman, he was cast to play Christopher Reeve playing Clark Kent/Superman. This he does well. Unfortunately, we don't care. We doubt we're alone.

3. Nobody talks to anybody for more than sixty seconds at a time. There isn't just a lack of meaningful dialogue, there is a distinct lack of all dialogue.

4. Superman isn't Jesus Christ, however he is messianic. If you want that explained, just ask and we will. Also, even if he was Christ-like, we'd really appreciate it if everyone could stop hitting us over the head with it.

5. Superman needs to punch stuff. Especially when something has happened that will really piss him off. Such as nearly murdering him and/or stealing the last remnants of his long dead homeworld. Lifting heavy things is really interesting ONCE. After that, we require something more interesting than pensive looks and fake straining against weight.

To sum up, we liked it but we feel that a lot of opportunity was squandered. That makes us a little sad.

Thank you...and good night,

The Staff of Earth K

PS: It behooves us to point out that we liked Jimmy too inasmuch as we'd actually like to see that actor turn iunto a wolfman or turtleboy or Elasic Lad. Frankly, that would have upped the interest quotient of this movie to a startling level.

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